Monday, July 1, 2013

A Letter to a Loved One

Dear Oliver,

I miss you.

As I lie here on the bed we shared for a week one last night, memories of you flood back. It's strange to think that just two weeks ago, we're strangers and now, I'd like to think, we share a special relationship beyond the boundaries of a common friendship.

I've never been perfect at relationships. My biggest challenge has always been trying to express my love and feelings through words sometimes. I guess I haven't had much trouble finding love relatively speaking so  I've taken things for granted in the past.

With you, I am feeling very conflicted and confused.

Like many things I get into, things always turn out to be different and more than the way I anticipated and envisioned them to be. You were supposed to be a fling I dwell in for a week before you and I part ways; a temporary guilty pleasure. I find it difficult to see where and how things can develop.

However, you little bastard, full of your charm and kindness made my heart melt after just a few days. I found it difficult to even have sex with you the first night because my brain struggled to process you let alone anything else mechanical we have to be focusing on! And it's not only just about you, but how you make others feel when you're with them that's very endearing. You always make others feel included and listened, and with me you always make me feel very, very special and loved.

You do talk too much sometimes. :P Hehe. I admit I switched off accidentally mid-sentence sometimes when I am too sleepy (you know whose fault) and make up what you were talking about based on 3/4 of the dialogues I caught.

Otherwise, you're a gem. Your authenticity, kindness, compassion and your easy-going attitude makes it so extremely difficult to not fall in love with you and your cute face. I think many people underestimate you, and your simplicity mask the complex vision and confidence you hold. Anyone who has the opportunity to share intimacy with you is fortunate because you leave an inspiring indent on the lives that you cross path with.

I feel conflicted because part of me thinks that you're still young and you've just very recently explored this side of your sexuality so you should go wild. You should explore and dive into the different worlds, experience and be.

Having said that though, you're very special and I don't want to burn any bridges with you. I hope that you do go out there and go wild, however you'll allow me to hold you in a special place in my heart until when we both agree its time. There are many things I cannot promise you as I find it difficult to see where our futures head, however, I can promise to love you and to always lend you my arm, my ear and my heart.

Bear with me, and I hope you'll come enjoy this ride with me and let's see how far we travel. Okay?

I really am very grateful for the past week with you. In the last few days, little things have brought back so much memories of you - from the showers to parking at the shops, let alone the bed where we've cuddled. As our paths continue to diverge, let's hold onto these memories and let them inspire us to invest in experiences. Our paths will cross again sooner than you think.

As the rain gently tap on the roof outside and the cold air wraps my skin, I lie here on this bed thinking about you. More than anything in the world right now, and I do mean that literally, I wish you're in my arms. And I get to wrap you tight, kiss you all over your cute face, stare into your gorgeous brown eyes and tell you how beautiful you are.

I love you and I miss you bub.


Saturday, June 29, 2013

The Hardest Part

This is the part I hate most, saying goodbye.

It's something that I never got used to, and probably never will. It's painful, sickening and always very depressing.

But life moves on.

Today, I say goodbye to two people I have grown to love very much and have grown to become very significant in my life. Two people who loved me unconditionally. One a mentor, a teacher and someone who puts a tremendous about of belief and conviction in me, but is moving to the US indefinitely. And another, a best friend, a teacher, a partner-in-crime and a brother who is moving back home to Germany.

But Ben made a really good point. As we sit across from each other at my favourite coffee shop reflecting on the past 3 years we've known each other, either in the capacity of a mentor/mentee or a friend, we've been through some significant life events together. He stated, "but isn't this partly a lifestyle you've chosen for yourself - living as a nomad?"

The truth is, I never really chose this lifestyle, I merely entered it almost blindly to explore and try it out.

I've been thinking and reflecting a lot lately. Over the past many years, I've put my compulsive overachiever on overdrive and I've done really well but what for? And who for? It's still hard trying to take time out for myself, and embrace this nomadic and a more relaxed lifestyle I've just recently chosen for myself. Although things have worked out extremely well so far - 4 different countries, a relatively consistent, although few, jobs coming through, cut down my cost of living, caught up with long-lost friends and met Oliver who I spent a beautiful week with - I cannot help but fidget at the thought of a relaxing sabbatical.

"So, what's your plan? Are you planning to do this forever? We need to get you a proper, long-term boyfriend. You're way too sexy to be single" says Ben. I laughed it off.

"Don't tell me you're planning to just have flings for the rest of your life?"

I shrugged.

I've been fortunate to meet so many *amazing* people, but on the flip side, I've been terrible at keeping in contact. It's something I've always regretted. This is more significant this week because I am worried I may lose the intimacy and unique bond with Ben and Mick as they move across the other side of the globe. And this special relationship I've built with Oliver, something I've usually taken for granted and not care at all once we've parted ways, often time ending in bridges burnt. Should I change? Will I regret this? But what should I and should I not be doing?

As Mick and I hugged goodbye outside Mr Crush's house where I'm staying, we both tear up a little and tried to recall funny memories we've shared to lighten up the mood. His girlfriend staring at her phone in the car, giving us space. We hugged some more and with one hand resting on the other's shoulder, almost worried that this may be last time we embrace one another, we thanked each other for the love and great memories, and we hugged tightly one final time, this time for almost a minute for good measure.

That was painful. We parted ways, both hoping that we'll see each other again sooner and at some point in our lives, our paths may cross again. The significance we've played in each other's life shall not be lost, but merely stopped for a brief period as we build our own new paths, hoping at some point, we can share the paths again.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Back to Square One


The last 4 years have definitely been anything but boring. Sitting here on the dining table of Mr Crush, reading through all the posts from the last few years brings back memories and make me reflect on the ones never documented, almost forgotten.

4 years, 3 or so interesting "relationships", 1 relatively stable, 2-3 jobs, 4 different cities, at least 6 countries, a number of flings, boys, flirts and lusts, and an infinite amount of memorable moments later, I am back to square one. I am at the house of the best friend, and I just spoke to Troy an hour ago - after losing touch for various reasons due to life circumstance - reflecting on our lives and everything that was.

Being in and out of love was foreign until the last few years. It's been painful, inspiring, warm, challenging, hurtful, exciting and life-changing to quite an extent. To love and be loved is human and I've been incredibly fortunate to have shared it with many friends, family members and love ones.

And the past week has been one of those experience. What started as an innocent flirt over the phone quickly became a week of love and lust. He's just left for China for a month, and I am leaving for South East Asia in less than a week - making this trip to Brisbane a quick stopover.

As we bid goodbye, a familiar feeling of sadness and loss floods my exhausted mind and between those strong emotions I am reminded of all the love I have been fortunate to have received, which doesn't make it any easier.

Lying in the bed that we both have shared for the past week doesn't make it any easier either. From our instinctive actions of affection in bed to an evening with my friends, great memories were shared.

How will things progress from here, who knows.

Story of my life.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Day 1: I miss you

Staring at the dull curtain, with a needle in my left arm, I wish you're here. The air is filled with tension as the doctors attend to patients who are crying in pain. I, on the other hand, had a milder problem than most - just a suspected severe gastro.

Then again, I thought, if you were here, what would you be doing?

I came home at 3am and passed out quite immediately. Waking up to your voice on the phone makes me smile, but a part of me wish so badly you here.

In fact, right now lying here in our bed makes me miss you. We've only been apart for a week, yet it feels like its been almost a month. I guess I was wrong - I secretly thought that I'd enjoy this two week of freedom and bed all to myself.

As I lie here after our long chat, I thought about us and I thought about this relationship we've built together and I am grateful. It's going to be hard counting down these 100 days or so we've got left and I want to remember these 100 days or so with you, even when we're apart when traveling.

You just sent me 6 text messages to wish me good night and have the sweetest dreams, but the line I loved most was "I miss you and love you". I replied, "I wish I get to cuddle you right now" and you said, ":( me too baby" and with that, your phone died. Good night, baby. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

This Natural Love

The candle on the table between us both gently flicker to the rhythm of the soft music in the background. He's on the laptop and I'm on the iPad.

Sitting here as we both dives into our own world feels natural. It feels, like
It should be - that we're together but not insecure enough to have to entertain each other all the time. And our lives move in parallel together.

It's hard to summarise the past three weeks even if I have all the time in he world. It has been far from perfect but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

As we cuddled, our body fits comfortably entangled, life feels complete for just a few minutes. Perhaps its from the delicious meal we just had or perhaps it's the beautiful music in the background but what I do know for sure is the fact that I have the love of my life at the moment in my hand. All my doubts about our relationship vanished.

It has been stressful dating a novice bisexual, and it's even more stressful having to be discrete and thread carefully as he not only comes to term with his own sexuality but also the relationship that we're in. However, I have to say I am incredibly proud of how he's taken everything and not only slowly become comfortable with his sexuality and our relationship but he's shown nothing but his commitment and unconditional love for me.

I know this relationship is not one that will go on forever as we both pursue our own life goals and we both call a separate continent home (NYC for him and Melbourne for me). A thought came into my head as we held hands walking through the National Gallery, that we'll probably both be pretty devastated when we both have to bid farewell, but as quickly as I entertained the thought, I let it slide because right now, this, having his hand in mine is what it matters.

I close my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. And I count myself very fortunate to be surrounded and deeply in love.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

What's a Man's Worth

I was just about to give up on love when I meet a beautiful man.

As if a fairytale, it seemed almost unreal, a little bit too perfect and just slightly too beautiful to be true. You might remember from my last post that I met this boy at a conference and we had something really briefly.

Since then, I've been in Sydney at least 4-5 times, and by that, I mean I get to spend about 3-4 nights with him each time I am down in Sydney. We've never spent overnight together nor have we had sex but we have definitely been closer than most couples have. We hold hands, we hold each other tight and we give each other a kiss and a cuddle almost openly wherever we are. We've shared so many beautiful memories its slightly ridiculous.

From walking hand in hand around the entire city, to wrapping around each other on top of Sydney Opera House overlooking the harbour and the Harbour Bridge talking about our past, out partying until 3.30am, exploring food around Sydney, a ferry trip, a beautiful dinner with another gay couple friend and cuddling near the harbour enjoying the beautiful sunset. We've spoken about our past, our present and our future, we've entered a 54 hours startup competition, worked in a team and won, we've been sharing with each other our good news and it gets harder and harder everytime we say goodbye.

Yet, we've never once discussed our relationship - when I am back in Melbourne, we never talk on the phone and we probably text each other once a week. Having said that, I've been in Sydney about once every week or two, thus we've been seeing each other quite a bit.

I've been single for almost 5 years and over the last few months, it seems like I've just been indulging in a companion after companion. It does seem almost strange to have these beautiful and most importantly loving men in my life. Transitioning from having girlfriends and being single to having man after man to love and be loved, and to share a life with, its strange.. and strangely beautiful too.

Not only is Tay good-looking and adorable (he was an actor and have acted alongside Cate Blanchett - go figure), he treats me super well. He's constantly worry about how I feel, which peeves me a bit but it is beautiful especially when he brings me to all these beautiful places and showers me with affection. Before you vomit, we're also aware of the general public and have not been overly disgusting - and we're both not exactly the gay-est people in real life either. But it was beautiful to have a young gay boy coming up to us letting us know that watching us holding hands in public gives him hope.

Where is this relationship going? No one knows. I don't see myself moving up to Sydney nor does he see himself moving down to Melbourne in the near future.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Wow. Just Wow.

Arriving in Melbourne was bittersweet, but once the weekend was over, I felt more alive than I have ever had in a while. Catching up with some of my friends, and hanging out with Ash for a morning made me fall in love with Melbourne all over again.

It isn't hard to be in love with Melbourne all over again, and I even made an unconscious decision to not date unless I meet someone who truly aligns with my values and likes me as much as I like him. That wasn't hard - it's Melbourne, its filled with opportunities and things to do, plus, I have Ash as a distraction although he doesn't hang out with me enough.

A week in, and I have to present at a conference. And there he was, staring at me and me him. Let's call him Tay. We talked nerdy stuff over the weekend at the conference and get to learn about each other's work a lot more, but not of each other. It wasn't until a workshop on Monday that I decided to take the jump and asked him out for dinner.

We had dinner, we chatted and we got to know each other. We walked along the Yarra River and outside the casino, as the fire display comes on, we stood beneath the fire in awe and slowly, held hands. It felt right. We kissed and we hugged and we held hands and walked all around the city for the rest of the night - there were no judgmental stares nor were there any harassment. We said good-night and good-bye.

On his final night in Melbourne, we took a stroll along Federation Square and held hands. People walked past us and smiled, some nodded with approval but for all we care, we were in our own worlds. As we spoke of our past and our passions, we discovered our similarities - lots of them - our strange pet peeves and our interests. We also discovered we're both adrenaline and travel addict. But all good things must come to and end so after two beautiful nights, we bid good-bye and hugged for the last time before we both caught different trams home. He was to head to back to Sydney the day after.

I am not sure if being able to openly date someone of the same sex in public was actually more beautiful or was it the beautiful relationship we both have developed even though there was no formal relationship.

We didn't keep in touch.

About a week later, I had to fly to Canberra for a day, but was stuck there due to the ash cloud grounding all planes. I could stay the extra few nights in Canberra or I could take a bus to Sydney, a mere 3 hours away with a lot more things to do. So, at the very last minute, I booked a bus ticket and took the trip to Sydney. On the way, I arranged several meetings during the day with my friends and work colleagues. At night, we hung out. We'd hold hands, we'd share stories at the foyer of Sydney Opera House overlooking the harbour, Sydney skyline and the Harbour Bridge. We'd hug and we'd kiss and we'd laugh like there was no tomorrow. And then we'd talk nerdy stuff.

After two beautiful nights, we bid each other good night, not knowing what is going to happen between us nor have ever discussed it. But perhaps, this is all part of the adventure - it could work or it might not. All I know is, I don't think I had met anyone as caring and compassionate as him. And we haven't slept with each other either.
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