Friday, October 30, 2009

Frustration Duplication

I'm writing this from my mobile at the bus stop waiting for the bus. The sun overcast by the dark looming clouds. On days like these, try as you might, the dark clouds win. Gentle drops of rain tapping on my exposed skin. The smell of rain brings my memory back to home, giving me a sense of familiarity. The slow gush of wind caressing my skin leaving me with a sense of serenity.

I grew up with the rain. Or maybe the rain grew up with me.

As calm as it seems on the outside, the invisible storm could be brewing inside. Like the seemingly calm surface of the lake unbeknownst to us the depth of it. Illuminating the chaos attracts more than a visible storm.

Sometimes I question my own sanity for accepting things without putting much thought into my capabilities. Although up until now, I've impressed myself for pulling everything off but I wonder how much more before I hit a brickwall. I don't see and definitely don't understand the undeserving (at times I felt, patronising) compliments and trust everyone throws on me.

Today, I feel a bubble of overwhelmingness wraps around me. A very familiar feeling of loneliness I have not felt in a very long time. A sense of redundantness.

The rain's stopped but the clouds still loom. Maybe the rain was a temporary comfort, like all things, never permanent. A convincing deception just like everything else in this world. What makes you think you deserve it in the first place.

5 comments:

pathetic prophet said...

so u hit a brick wall. Brick walls are nothing but obstacles that force us to choose to go on. If they didn't show up periodically and make us challenge what we're doing and why, we'd get bogged down in the whole mess. We'd never recognize the worth of our lives.
As far as 'undeserving compliments', since when is anybody in this blasted world going to throw out compliments to anyone they think is undeserving. You've worked hard to get where you are and to do what you've done. Accept the compliments as truth, use them as tools to get past the brick walls when they come, and be glad you are the person you are.
shalom

Dave83201 said...

Aaron,

Remember, even the brightest sun has a dark cloud pass in front of it once in a while, and often the people with the biggest hearts are the ones who themselves feel the most isolated. Compliments may feel empty to you because ultimately they are not what motivates you to do what you do. Try to take each one in for what they are worth and realize sometimes they are the truest currency some have to show their appreciation.

Just take a few deep breaths, think about the people who love you, and maybe get another cup of coffee. I promise you're going to feel a whole lot better. At least I hope you will. We need our bright sun back. :D

Just said...

Everything in life is just a temporary fixture. We were born dying. Just as rain comes and go so do we.... but then you connect someway with some one such as your self, and see hey we can leave a mark, and make a difference. Sometimes it may be just a kind word , which I don't understand why you don't see what we see. Are as little as just a smile . Aaron I am giving you a smile ... see I know all about brick walls ... funny thing one reason I am smiling is brick is made from dirt .... dirt , .... things and people from our past ... what once was doesn't have to be... I hope this passes , but will have a smile until it does ..Wander what thier note will read . Smiling Just Lee

Micky said...

Fantasy and treats work wonders with obstacles.

Sugar or cinnamon (or both) or whatever is your fancy to eat. Some flowers to look at and nice-smelling things of your own preference. I can do it with pungent herbs or 'incense sticks' (if I don't cough in the smoke!).

And then there's music and the choice is critical. It must be gentle and soul-searching but cheerful and must lift the spirit.

With just a little tlc (tender loving care) brick walls can, almost magically, fall to dust.

Tell me later about the cinnamon toast and the music your chose.

torchy! said...

redundant? NO WAY! i can honestly say i have enjoyed chatting to you SO MUCH these last couple of weeks. i really have.

i know i've paid you some compliments and we've chatted about it. if they've come across as patronising or underserved, i'm really sorry. but if you knew me in person, you would know that i do not deliver empty compliments.

i can't make you believe it from a distance, but if you were able to look into my eyes, you'd know it to be true. and then i'd give you a massive hug.

you are worth so much and i'm proud and honoured to know you
torchy!

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