This post is by guest blogger, Kayess.
An acquaintance of mine started talking to me last night at the odd hour of 11.30pm and though I don't really talk to him in school, it seems that our conversations on MSN are somewhat interesting. Yesterday's topic of conversation somehow turned to the topic of death and it seems that both of us have a fairly similar philosophy on death i.e. death is inevitable and we've both managed to accept the concept pretty well so far.
There was one very profound question he posed to me that I'm still unsure the answer of; it was basically a question of whose death will cause my tears. In truth, I don't know if I'll cry if family members die. I don't know if I'll cry should my friends die. In truth, I don't feel emotionally close or attached to anyone and to an extent, barriers are somewhat erected between the people I know and me. Part of it lies in my partial inability to express myself completely and I suppose the other half lies in my half-assed cynical view of the world. Haha sometimes, I even wonder if there are barriers I've erected or if there just aren't that many important things for me to tell people. (As you can tell, everything seems uncertain and I'm just an indecisive bastard :P)
Let me just go with one theory for the time being - the theory being that my half-assed cynical perception of the world has made me wary of people. It's of my opinion, at least, that everyone changes somehow (and whether or not that change is for the better or worse is irrelevant for 'it just is'). Maybe there's a worry that somehow, people will change in a way that will hurt me and so, I enact barriers. I make it hard for me to get hurt badly. I'm not sure if this theory is even right, but hey, it's just me trying to psychoanalyse myself and see where it goes.
Where does that leave me? I don't know? I don't think I'm happy that I don't feel as I should towards death. I'm not happy at the way I form relationships with people. I don't think I'm sad either. It all just seems like a learning experience where I'll eventually get to a path I'll be satisfied with. Extrapolating current conditions though, it seems that I'm heading towards a future of loneliness and apathy.
What's life without meaningful emotions and relationships? I reckon I need to learn how to FEEL.
Stay safe and remember...
If you play with fire, you're gonna get burned ;)
Hmph the organisation and thoughts of the post seems to be somewhat disjointed/incoherent and I don't think there's enough elaboration on some points mainly because I'm unclear of the way I think myself. Oh well, that leaves more to be discussed in following posts :/