Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Ride Begins

So, I'm all packed and ready to board my plane, except my plane isn't until 4.30pm tomorrow. I fly into Sydney, and then from Sydney to LA, which takes about 19 hours all up. Due to the time difference, I'll arrive on a Tuesday at around 7pm.

I'm staying in Hollywood and planning to take it easy for the night and just go have a walk around.

You wouldn't believe this but I literally almost jumped out of my seat when Doug said he'll get me free entrance to Disneyland. Later, he told me the pass also lets me get into Disney Adventure Park for free too! Honestly, I don't know how to thank him enough for his overwhelming generosity!

I remember when I was young, I used to dislike my parents because we were so dirt poor we can never travel and Disneyland was like our ultimate dream.

So I'll spend the morning with Doug before he goes to work, and then spend the day in Disneyland and Disney Adventure Park. Also a mega thanks to the smelly monster, VBoy, who reminded me that Doug's in LA.

I'm taking the bus up to San Francisco (SFO) on Thursday noon, arriving in the evening.

So I thought I'd take a leap of faith and disclose an information that might help you identify me. I am going to SFO because I am working for an organisation that you might have seen on TV ads and billboards recently. The mega campaign sponsored by Ad Council was launched a few weeks ago and it went nuts, so I am flying over to help. The campaign was called, "We Can Help Us" and it links people to "www.us.reachout.com". Many would know that youth suicide is a topic close to my heart. I really can't wait to get my hands down and dirty, doing something I absolutely love and actually do my small bid in helping reduce America's very frightening statistics of youth suicide.

Follow Reach Out's Facebook Fan Page, or to support what Reach Out does, you can donate here.


If you have left a comment, I should have replied to your comments via email - I try my best to reply to everyone. If I missed anyone, please don't feel bad to give me a nudge.

I met up with Tommy finally. Considering that both Ed and Tommy were so stressed, and I was too but I think I have better time and life management skills *coughs* I organised for us all to meet up. I introduced them to the world of free stand-up comedy at the Powerhouse, one of my favourite things to do! :)

If you haven't already, go follow the overly sweet VBoy (refer to previous post).

Monday, March 29, 2010

Announcement by VBoy

My name is VillageBoy and I am here to set something straight...
Aaron posted on my blog that I do not like him :( I have no clue why he comes to this conclusion...
Of course I do like Aaron! Why wouldn't I? What's not to like about Aaron? He's an awesome person with a fantastic personality! I can keep on talking with him for ages and we get along so well!

Aaron, I really like you! *hugs*


PS: My blog isn't dead (yet) :P but I am really busy with exam preps right now. After April 11 I will blog again, so if you wanna read :P *advertising mode off*

Thursday, March 25, 2010

My Ambitious American Trip

So, this is where I need all the help of the Americans reading my blog. I have a pretty ambitious trip coming up, in fact, its happening next week! I am being sent to American (quite literally) next week and my itinerary is as follow:

Brisbane - LA: 30th March arriving 1st April
LA - San Fransisco (SFO): 1st April or 2nd April
SFO - Atlanta: 6th or 7th April
Atlanta - Chicago: 12th or 13th of April
Chicago - LA: 18th April
LA - Brisbane 18th April

That is, apparently, a lot to cover in a slightly more than 2 weeks duration. Most of the trips are paid for and I have a reason to be at all the above mentioned places, except LA really. My sponsored flights fly me into LA, thus that's where I'll be.

I have a few questions I need some advice on:
- Should I stay in LA for a night or two or straight to SFO? If so, what should I do in LA?
- What are some of the things I should eat or visit when I'm in all, if not, some of the places mentioned above?
- Should I fly from LA to SFO (1.5 hours, about $180) or should I take the bus (7.5 hours, about $25)?
- Do I have any readers from the cities mentioned above, other than Dean Grey and Justin both in Chicago? Anyone wants to catch up while I'm in your city - get in touch with me! beautifoolchaos@gmail.com

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

So Much Crap

I have so much crap going on its driving me nuts and my brain feels like its about to explode - no joke! I don't think I have felt this stressed in a while now - the last time would be when I was sick and diagnosed with "psychologically stressed".

At one point at work on Monday afternoon, I buried my face in my palms and just moaned to myself, "What the fuck did I get myself into?" I am working two jobs, one too easy it doesn't even seem like working. The other so busy, but so flexible I couldn't quit! I am still running my organisation but have hired a full-time staff which is good but having to meet her once a week and delegate jobs properly and to review almost anything and everything is not helpful to my craving for free time! We just interviewed a few uni students and we've got a new intern working with us next month, so that's exciting.

Uni has been crazy as well with two major assignments due this week. I was stressed and to add on the stress, my supervisor emailed me last night to tell me that I need to lecture a class today.

The only time when I was not holding a pen and a journal article, reading for a prolonged time other than at work and in class was last night when we had Poker's Night where I invited a few of my friends over and with my housemates, we had lots of beers, wines, chitchats and a grand time playing poker. The boy I'm seeing, Gabriel, came right after class and I know this is weird but seeing him joking and talking comfortably with my housemates warms my heart. I left them as I prepared dinner and did my homework. After poker, again I had to do my work so he was forced to drink and play games with my housemates. It sounds silly but its so heartwarming to see him mixing comfortably with my housemates. And I feel really lucky that not only were my housemates so supportive over my coming out, but they were also so accepting of Gabriel and comfortable with us together - although we weren't even at all lovey-dovey.

Gabriel initially planned to stay over but I kicked him out after we spent some time together in my room. No, I didn't kick him out - I was too busy preparing for the lecture I had to deliver the next day so he decided to give me the space to concentrate and think that I desperately need so he went home.

I'm going to have to stay up until late tonight, or forced to wake up at 4.00am to complete my critical review. I have a class at 8.00am tomorrow, but once I submit this piece of assignment tomorrow, I should be sweet as.

I also got invited to Bacardi Express tomorrow, so Gabriel is coming with me and hopefully we'll have some good time grooving to La Roux and other Aussie artists Yves Klein Blue, Art vs Science, Miami Horror, Cassette Kids and DJ Sampology.

But for now, back to work! Luckily there's a certain cookie monster that will accompany me!


It's really modestly exciting to get so many comments from new readers in my previous post! It's always nice to hear from new people, on top of the amazing and always inspiring comments from the frequent readers.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

And We Held Hands

I have a feeling that I'm going to jinxed this (read below) by writing this but fortunately, I am not superstitious.

I'm on a gay social networking site. It doesn't have my picture on it - just a lame profile description and a few statistics of myself like my height, weight, age and area I live in. I lie in those stats by either adding or subtracting 1 from the real number so as to hide my identity. It's an attempt anyway.

About 3 weeks ago, I got a message from a guy who have just moved to Australia from USA on an exchange program. We got talking and after a week, I decided to invite him to a movie premiere with me. It's the movie season and I was getting invite to advanced screening on a weekly basis. I was wearing a blue stripey shirt, black shorts and thongs (flipflops) and he was wearing a blue flannel shirt, jeans and shoes. I have black hair, brown and Asian eyes. He has short, dirty blond hair, blue eyes and a piercing on the top of his left ear.

We met at the mall and for the Brisbanites, you wouldn't be surprised to hear that we met outside Hungry Jack's (Burger King in other countries). He's on a budget and I'm broke, so we went to grab a bite at Subway. We got talking like old friends and after we finished our subs, we headed for the cinema. We were watching Cop Out which was pretty funny - although not everyone liked it.

Half way through the movie, we both happened to rest our arms on the arm rest between us at the same time, so I apologised. He was sitting on my right hand side. I moved my hand a tad to form a gap between both our hands in case he thought I was hinting something. Minutes later I felt his little finger rubbing against mine, but I didn't think much about it. Then I felt it again, and this time, I moved my little finger a bit and like a lightning, his little finger was intertwined with mine. We then held hands and stayed that way for the rest of the movie.

After the movie, we walked around the mall and across the bridge to Southbank where we got a beer and spoke about family and being out. He did not want to go home and me neither, so we had a walk around Southbank. I gave him a tour of the place before we finally sat down next to the river, held hands and talked about our journey to Australia.

We parted at close to midnight. Two days later he texted and we caught up again on Saturday. I picked him up in the morning and we drove 40 mins down south to the Gold Coast where we spent a silly time on the beach. We didn't stay for long because I had to be back to send a friend to the airport. We held hands the whole way there and back except when I needed both my hands to drive.

Credit: ayerlind

And as I dropped him off, we kissed, very quickly for the first time.

Since then, he has been over to my place a few times and me over his, had dinner and drank with my housemates and we have spent a night together. We see each other about once every 3 days, but now its about everyday sometimes once in two days.

I'm threading unfamiliar territory here. I've never dated any guys before and its been 6 years since I've been in a relationship. I don't want to progress too quickly, yet I don't want to seem like I'm too slack about it although I do realised that I probably don't keep in touch enough. We're taking everything very slowly and that's really, really comforting because the last thing I want right now is to jump into a full-on committed relationship filled with sex and lust, or to be in a relationship where we're both all over each other. For some reason, everything seemed so natural - we exchange about 4-8 texts a day depending on the events and if we're seeing each other on the day.

It's been 2 weeks since we've been together - although we've never made it official nor have we said "I love you" to each other. I've also made it clear that I travel a lot, have events to attend, not ready for full commitment and not totally out so he'll have to put up with that. He's fine with it, in fact, he's supportive of it and made it clear that he's independent and want us both to be independent rather than relying and obsessed with each other. I cannot agree with that more because I think that allows us both to expand in our own passion and potentials whilst also bringing out the best in each other through the relationship.

We're going to a comedy on Sunday night, then he's got a job interview on Monday, so we're going to have dinner that night. His first job interview in Australia (he's been here just over a month) so I think we should celebrate a little. We're having Pokers Night at my crib this Tuesday night so he's meeting some of my friends and then we're going to see La Roux on Thursday because I got an invite to the concert.

Well, yeah - that's one small part of the reason why I came out to my housemates. There are days when I do question where this relationship is going, but for the most part, I don't think about it too much - in fact, I don't think about it at all when I'm busy. I'll just have to see if this spark survives or drops off - either way, we're going to make the best of it.


I've added a new poll on the sidebar so cast your vote.

And to answer Aek in his comment two posts below, initially I thought my housemate would just give me the awkward reactions but they totally didn't so I was slightly surprised.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

It's All Happening

I had a meeting with my new employer this morning and its all becoming so real. Like I said in my previous post, the past few weeks have been rather unexpected and pretty hectic weeks for me. I don't know where I was heading and I couldn't find a harmonious rhythm to my life. I think its a mixture of several things including just getting back from traveling, some social circumstances change and going from full-time work to full-time uni.

 Credit: weirdperson343

It has been difficult to describe how am I going for the past few weeks and I kept answering, "Trying to get my groove back on" whenever I'm asked. It's a challenge as well to try to organise everything together - movie premieres, gigs, Open Days, volunteering, uni and work.

After the meeting this morning, I feel a lot more relieved with where I'm going but it all seems so real now! I'm starting work pretty much straight away. Although I am my own boss - and can work from wherever I am and whenever I want - indirectly, its putting my organisation and time-management skills to the test.

On top of work, attending classes and two major assignments that's due next week, I have to lecture next week - which I've just been told a few hours ago! My supervisor can be rather unorganised sometimes, and so now I have to put together my lesson plan and fill in the paperwork to get the equipments set up for next Wednesday.

On a positive note, I am feeling rather calm lately. I am not overly stressed (or at least that's what I think) and I haven't screwed up anything yet! I'm taking things slowly, and I am thankful for my friend Lis who organises my diary for me. Her wonderful organisation and Google Calender allowing me to share my calender rocks my socks. Also, I have very supportive friends all around me!

One of them is Village Boy whom you all should follow. He only blogs once in a blue moon but when he writes, he usually has some saucy, interesting and heart-warming story to share. He's also an awesome friend - always cheerful, smiling and his positive energy is rather infectious.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Opening the Closet Door for the Housemates

It's been a rather interesting and I have to say an unexpected two weeks.

Like many other bloggers, my workload is increasing and I'm playing juggle balls as I balance between my jobs, uni, shitloads of assignments, social life and love life. I've also been coming out to a few of my close friends and I've been meaning to come out to the housemates but never get the chance to or I'm just too scared.

Tonight, after coming home from the advanced screening of Kick Ass (which is a kick arse movie btw) I saw both my housemates sitting on the couch drawing and watching TV. They're both dating and I have 3 housemates. I thought it was the right time but I freaked out even after having my dinner and drinks. So I came up to the room, harassed Village Boy a little who was too busy to entertain me, jumped in the shower and spent at least 2 hours procrastinating and thinking.

In the end, I came out via Facebook. My housemate came online and I typed this long sentences but just when I pressed Enter, he went offline so the message was never delivered. Bloody hell! So I ran downstairs, sat down right in front of them and they looked at me and told me a joke which I laughed and started the awkward conversation with a, "I have something I've been meaning to tell you guys."

As expected, everything was cool except the guy who have always joked about having a threesome with me and really liking me. He didn't give me much eye-contact nor did he say much either. He nodded, smiled and was looking at his computer as his girlfriend and I just talked about everything else. They both said it was cool and they have no problems with it anyway. So, that was cool.

I could feel my heart thumping so hard I thought it was going to jump out of my chest!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I Opened The Closet Door

And I took a peek at the outside world.

Before today, I have came out to a very small number of people, who are not immediately part of the circle of friends I hang out with on a regular basis.

Coming out has never been a big deal to me. I am not undermining the amount of challenges, barriers and courage that many of you have been through in order to be fully comfortable with your sexuality and hence, who you are. Just very personally, my sexuality has never stopped me from living my life to the fullest albeit not out of the closet. I really believe that your sexuality should not be your identity or your life, but merely just a part of who you are, much like your favourite band for example. However, this can be a very personal thing, and for some, sexuality is the primary inhibition to them living their life.

To say that I have not struggle with my sexuality would be a lie. They come in periods and there were at least 3-4 times in the last 6-7 years that I disliked myself for my sexuality, especially during my teens when I lack the confidence, a sense of identity and I was struggling with my perception of the world.

My story would not be much different than many of you. I wished I wasn't at least bisexual. I wished I could ignore that side of me and I had, and I wished that people around me would fully accept my sexuality and be comfortable with it.

A series of events, this blog and you, the readers really encouraged the thought of coming out to my friends. The starting point was the hardest, as with every other thing in our life but I knew I had to start somewhere.

My starting point was purely accidental. I met ranga boy - who is probably reading this! Long story short, he was performing, I watched his performance, found his contact online and we exchanged emails. Several emails later, we decided to hang out before he leaves the country. After several beers, he brought up the topic of my sexuality, which I did not deny. I wasn't afraid of him knowing since he was a stranger and he was leaving the country at that time.

At the same time, I have this blog going and in my real life, very slowly, I found out more and more people around me were gay. One of them is a guy I look up to because he's very talented at what he does. I never knew he was gay and its not something he tells anyone. I found out when I met his partner at a friend's birthday party. He's been going out with his partner for more than 5 years and meeting them was a reassurance to me that I don't have to openly gay to have a partner and be happy.

The process of figuring out what coming out means to me, personally, started and I became more comfortable with the idea and it became something that I had to do, not something I have a choice to do. I have to admit, it wasn't a big deal to me. The big deal was choosing the people I want to come out to that was challenging, and waiting for the right time for me.

So I started off by telling a friend who I spent Christmas with. He is in a relationship of 6 years (I think) with his boyfriend, and I was about to spend time with his family. I knew him through the organisation I volunteer with, and he lives in a different state at least 3 hours away so I felt safe telling him. He reacted absolutely fine - well, d'oh, he's gay. That felt liberating and I was almost convinced I could fly out of the closet but that is, of course, a deception many people fall into.

Over the next few weeks, I took everything slowly. I felt comfortable enough to tell two of my colleagues who I had coffee with every single morning and sometimes afternoon. And that I did, seperately. My Admin Asst had tears in her eyes and she was more than happy for me. The other colleague, Personal Asst to the Director, was a bit less dramatic. She only responded with a, "So?" which made me laughed.

Then, circumstances change. I met a few people who I will write about someday, and it prompted me to think about my close friends. My immediate circle of friends whom I hang out with on an almost daily basis and share everything with.

So, today, out of exhaustion, I called Lis who was more interested in discussing with me about how we go about splitting the money we've earned from our company. (Note: I started an organisation with two close friends and Lis is one of them.) She also told me a number of events I had to attend over the coming week, and before she hung up, I told her I had to tell her something and its not something to worry about. And out came the words, "I'm at least bisexual". I explained my struggle, my acceptance and my coming out process to her as would most of us. She was more than accepting, and replied with a, "I know I am probably expected to be excited or show more emotions over this but honestly, I've got too many gay friends and even though I never thought you were, now that I know, it doesn't really make much of a difference to me. My immediate thought when you told me that was a, "WOW" and the next thought was, "So, what?""

Aah. I then came out to another good friend of mine. He's the guy I described above as someone I really admired for his talent, and he shares very much the similar circumstances to me, thus was able to provide me with some of his own experiences that I found highly relevant.

My next step is to tell Kim, my other business partner and one of my closest friends. She's left for the US this morning, after a leaving me her car and called me before her flight. I don't have plans to come out any further, except for the housemates - which I would only do so when the need arises. I am sure they wouldn't mind. They've been my closest friends - Canadian Boy has traveled with me and stayed in my home in Borneo for 2 weeks, his girlfriend cooks for me, gives me massages and drives me to uni when she can. My other housemate is the toughest one - for some reason, he is convinced that I have a girlfriend, but I don't dare to bring her home.

Coming out, or I would say, opening the closet door, is not a big deal to me. Nothing much would change, except I can ogle at cute guys with some of them, but I have to admit its not something I am comfortable doing.

I opened the closet door and took a peek at the world, and it is not that much different.


Writing this post has been difficult, because I am worried that some of you might feel isolated, jealous or terrible because under some circumstances, you cannot come out to anyone. If you are one of them, I want you to know that my thoughts are with you and I do think about you. If this post has brought up some thoughts or emotions you'd like to share privately, please do not hesitate to send me an email beautifoolchaos@gmail.com or check out this factsheet.


Shout out to Bold, whom many of you should already know, if not, then you should head over and know him. I think he's pretty damn cool, well, until he stopped MSN-ing. *click here*

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Illusive Future

Sometimes, we worry about things that never were. Things so far away and speculations that could be true but might not apply to us at all. Sometimes, we listen to only one side of the story and fail to acknowledge the other side. The unavoidable trap of falling onto the negative side of the scale.

Live in the moment. Love what is.

"We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it." -- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy S5E23 "Here's to the Future".


Edward sure know how to shower me with love.

Friday, March 5, 2010

I Love You But I'm Scared Part 2

To address some comments from yesterday's post:
Edward - Big boy, I think you're too generous with your comments. I think you're describing a saint, definitely not me.

Which brings me to Aek - I beg to differ. :P Edward could be patronising me for all you know. Although I appreciate his nice comments, I think I take credits where its due. Definitely not this one because I really don't think I'm that great.

Kayess - You bugger. When are you coming onto msn to talk to me?

Planetx_123 - I'm glad I'm not alone although its kinda shit that you have to go through that. I think you hit the nail on the head! You're absolutely right.

bK - Haha. He's definitely not straight. He's gay without a doubt. You'll meet a great guy one day, bK. You will - you're just too nice!

savante - We sure do. Thanks! :)


This is a continuation from yesterday's post.

As time passed by, things got a lot easier and I slowly moved on and as Planetx_123 perfectly summed up, the pain slowly becomes "cathartic instead of just pain."

We started talking again and when Facebook came around, we added each other as friends and had a few chats. He started the contact again with an apology, which I thought was nice of him. The chats were always brief and ordinary.

I was still very close to his family - particularly his older brother and sister-in-law. Every time I went back, I would meet up with them and have a good chat. They'd always buy me gifts and give me free VIP access to one of the clubs they own. Their family is one of the richest people in the state, if not the country. I'm close to his brother and sister-in-law because his sister-in-law was in a life-threatening situation once, and I was the only one there to help.

All those time, I would hear news about him from his family but never met him. I would have not met him for at least 3 years until the last time I was back just a few weeks ago. On the second night that I was back, Swedish Boy and I went to a bar for some drinks and there he was. I smiled, called out his name and gave him a hug. He gave me an awkwardly excited look and hug.

Later that night, past midnight, I received a text from a number not saved on my mobile which said, "Good to see you again. I missed you". I later found out it was him and several text messages were exchanged before he dropped the bomb that he still loved me and that he's jealous of Swedish Boy (who he thought was my boyfriend).

"I know I was a jerk for ignoring you years ago. I haven't dated anyone since you. I still love you"

"Aww.. Well.. Why would you do that to me then?"

"Because I was scared. I do love you but I was scared! :("

"Of what?"

"Of everything. People finding out. My family finding out. And I dunno where we're going with the relationship."

"That's understandable and I am glad you realised that you were wrong."

"I love you Aaron and I'm glad I see you again and I want to see you again."

"Thanks. It would be a lie to say I have no feelings for you at all, but we'll see."

I didn't end up arranging a meet up with him, partly because Swedish Boy was with me the whole time and also partly I know he probably want sex. We did end up meeting on the night before I left the country at a friend's party. My friend (more like a business contact than a friend) is a socialite and she organised a huge pool party with close to a hundred people at a luxurious hotel. I saw him sitting at a chair between the pool and the stage. I went over and said hi, and sat down next to him to have a chat.

I rested my hands on the chair, and he rested his left little finger on my right hand. I did not reciprocate nor did I pull away. After about 5 mins when we ran out of topic and have did the whole catch up conversation, I left and went to join my other friends.

After a few drinks and feeling the buzz, I walked into the bathroom to pee and as if there was a God, he was in the bathroom. Hundreds of people at the party, but the bathroom was empty except him! So I said hi and did some small talk as I walked over to the urinal.

Then he walked over to me and I laughed and asked him what he was doing. He just smiled and next thing I know, he wrapped his hands around me from behind and gently kissed my neck. I froze and just enjoyed the moment.

After a few minutes, I zipped up and walked over to the sink to wash my hands. He walked over, put his hands around me and rested his forehead on mine. I closed my eyes and we kissed. And then we hugged.

The only thing I can think of at that very moment is, "Am I doing the right thing?" and "What message am I sending?".

We hugged for a really long time (at least it seemed like it) without saying any words. Then we heard footsteps and he dragged me into a toilet cubicle where we silently giggled and kissed some more.

At that very moment, everything felt right. We kissed slowly but passionately.

But as quick as the positive thought came, my rational mind kicked in when his hands started to wander. I held his head with both my hands gently and very slowly pushed it away. I opened my eyes and looked into his. He stopped what he was doing and I said, "Thanks." Smiled. "Have fun tonight and I really hope you can find someone you're happy with".

With that, I left the bathroom and back into the party where I was thrown into the pool. Luckily my wallet and mobile was in my date's handbag.

He did come back to the party and gave me a smile as I left. I don't know what went through my mind, but I quite trust my instinct most of the time. If I think its wrong, and the instinct is strong, my rationale kicks in pretty quickly. And in this situation, it did.

Lesson 2: When your ex contacts you, don't be a bitch. Held your head high and be the person you know you are. Trust your instinct and live the moment.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

I Love You But I'm Scared Part 1

I've contemplated writing this post for a while, because these are not the proudest moments of my life, but I thought there might be something for you to learn from my story. I sure have learnt a lot from these experiences.

These are some of the most vulnerable times of my life.

I was 18+ and working in a movie production company shooting at the most remote to the most metropolitan area. We were a group of really close-knitted casts and crew. The main actor is 5' 7", athletic, straight-acting and pretty good looking.

Well, other than the director, we all just assumed that everyone else is straight.

We were in a town of probably about 5,000 people shooting, staying in their biggest hotel, which has only 30 rooms, of which we took 10 - the entire floor. Shooting at the location wasn't too difficult, and we had a day holiday because it was the main actor's birthday. Let's call him Steve. The producer bought us dinner and later a few of us young ones went out partying.

We got back pretty drunk and went straight to bed. The guy I was sharing a room with was making too much noise so I move to another room and slept next to Steve because I was closest to him and he's got my back throughout the whole time of the production.

Middle of the night, I woke up to have someone spooning me with hands touching all over me. I froze and didn't know what to do. It was Steve and at that moment, I was more freaked out than anything else. I was too drunk to really have a clear image of what really happened but I know I was terrified.

The next day, life operated as if nothing has happened the night before and as if there was a reset button, we all went back to work.

However, he texted me, telling me that he likes me and all that. I was terrified, clueless and didn't reply. Somehow, one day, while everyone was on scene and I was at the van, he came over and hugged me from behind. I did not protest until he started moving his mouth near me. After several times of these kind of things happening, we finally ended up doing things together. (Too Much Information Alert: Throughout the time I was with him, we did all sorts of naughty things, except penetration.)

I refuse to call him my boyfriend because in my perception, we never dated. We were doing things partners do - holding hands, hugging, cuddling and sleeping together. After one week, we moved back to the city and I spent at least a week staying at his place. Because there were also a group of other people who was living in his house and everyone shared rooms, it wasn't suspicious, except obviously he was showering me with special treatments which I loathed.

It was a really good week and a half, but we slowly grew apart. The shooting ended and I left interstate. The texts reduced and the phone calls were almost none. It hurts me because he was the first guy I "dated" and I hated him for that. The naive side of me thought that like all fairytale, I've finally found what I was looking for. And one day, he just began to ignore me altogether and for a few days, I was left in the dark - struggling to understand what this means to me and at the same time has no one to turn to or talk to. I didn't have a blog back then nor do I know any online friends.

When I went through my first break up with my girlfriend, I have a bunch of more than amazing friends who would dragged me out and helped me move on. This time, I was left to myself.

I was all by myself, in a different state for the first time without any friends and I cried to sleep on several nights. Stalked him on social networking sites, read his emails (he gave me his email password which he never changed until today) and was very tempted to sabotage him. A lot of anger and disappointments boiled up in me and it brought me back to a time when Bryan passed away and I had to figure out how to grieve all by myself.

After a painful, extremely vulnerable and broken period, I finally managed to gather my shit together and move on. I have cried, deeply hated myself, feel absolutely crap and verged on clinical depression. I believe that the painful and very vulnerable experience was really important in making me a rather confident person that I am today.

I brought up this story because there is a Part 2 to this story.

Lesson 1: It's easy to hate ourselves and beat ourselves up when our expectations fail, but most of the times, when we remove ourselves from the highly emotionally draining picture, we'd realise that most of the times, we aren't at fault at all.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Being Home

This post was meant to be posted while I was home in South East Asia but I didn't manage to finish it.

Being home is a very humbling experience for me, very personally.

Being home reminds me of where I came from. The adversities, happiness and love I left behind.

Being home keeps my feet securely on the ground. It keeps my head cool and my heart warm. It reminds me how easy it is to be spoilt by luxury and comfort.

I always get the anxiety when I am headed home. My mind turns into a hodgepodge of thoughts and imaginations of what have changed. This time, the anxiety was a bit more complicated.

My grandma won her battle with colon cancer while I was away. Some of my cousins and friends have gotten married, and some, broken up.

Being home reminds me of what it was like being poor.

It really reminds me what are important in my life and how the hell did I get to where I am at today. It also helps to have modest parents who constantly remind me that the most important thing in life is to be happy. They never bothered knowing the details of what I've been doing, they only wanted to know that I am doing well.

My mum only told me one thing, carpe diem. Accept what I can't change, change what I can change and be wise enough to know the difference. As long as I am not doing anything ethically or morally wrong, she doesn't care what I'm doing.

Being home reminds me of what makes me happy.

I can be earning all the money in the world, but when it boils down to happiness, my friends and family make me happiest. They mean the world to me.

Being home reminds me of who I was. A poor, filthy young boy with a big dream, wanting to break the stereotypes.

Being home reminds me of what love is. How it feels like to be surrounded by people who can love me unconditionally. The warmth and familiarity I've missed out for 2 whole years.

Being home is like eating your childhood favourite lolly. The invisible familiarity and comfort that puts an immediate silly smile on your face. People might not understand it but you don't care.

I miss home.


I have added an email subscription option on the top sidebar because someone emailed me and explained that this way, he could read my entries at work via email. It also helps for those whose workplace ban blogs. Smartarse.


I don't do many linking love but this kid had me rolling on the floor laughing my arse off the whole night so go check out Edward (what a lame name) if you can and show him some love. He's a bit love-deprived.
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