Friday, March 5, 2010

I Love You But I'm Scared Part 2

To address some comments from yesterday's post:
Edward - Big boy, I think you're too generous with your comments. I think you're describing a saint, definitely not me.

Which brings me to Aek - I beg to differ. :P Edward could be patronising me for all you know. Although I appreciate his nice comments, I think I take credits where its due. Definitely not this one because I really don't think I'm that great.

Kayess - You bugger. When are you coming onto msn to talk to me?

Planetx_123 - I'm glad I'm not alone although its kinda shit that you have to go through that. I think you hit the nail on the head! You're absolutely right.

bK - Haha. He's definitely not straight. He's gay without a doubt. You'll meet a great guy one day, bK. You will - you're just too nice!

savante - We sure do. Thanks! :)


This is a continuation from yesterday's post.

As time passed by, things got a lot easier and I slowly moved on and as Planetx_123 perfectly summed up, the pain slowly becomes "cathartic instead of just pain."

We started talking again and when Facebook came around, we added each other as friends and had a few chats. He started the contact again with an apology, which I thought was nice of him. The chats were always brief and ordinary.

I was still very close to his family - particularly his older brother and sister-in-law. Every time I went back, I would meet up with them and have a good chat. They'd always buy me gifts and give me free VIP access to one of the clubs they own. Their family is one of the richest people in the state, if not the country. I'm close to his brother and sister-in-law because his sister-in-law was in a life-threatening situation once, and I was the only one there to help.

All those time, I would hear news about him from his family but never met him. I would have not met him for at least 3 years until the last time I was back just a few weeks ago. On the second night that I was back, Swedish Boy and I went to a bar for some drinks and there he was. I smiled, called out his name and gave him a hug. He gave me an awkwardly excited look and hug.

Later that night, past midnight, I received a text from a number not saved on my mobile which said, "Good to see you again. I missed you". I later found out it was him and several text messages were exchanged before he dropped the bomb that he still loved me and that he's jealous of Swedish Boy (who he thought was my boyfriend).

"I know I was a jerk for ignoring you years ago. I haven't dated anyone since you. I still love you"

"Aww.. Well.. Why would you do that to me then?"

"Because I was scared. I do love you but I was scared! :("

"Of what?"

"Of everything. People finding out. My family finding out. And I dunno where we're going with the relationship."

"That's understandable and I am glad you realised that you were wrong."

"I love you Aaron and I'm glad I see you again and I want to see you again."

"Thanks. It would be a lie to say I have no feelings for you at all, but we'll see."

I didn't end up arranging a meet up with him, partly because Swedish Boy was with me the whole time and also partly I know he probably want sex. We did end up meeting on the night before I left the country at a friend's party. My friend (more like a business contact than a friend) is a socialite and she organised a huge pool party with close to a hundred people at a luxurious hotel. I saw him sitting at a chair between the pool and the stage. I went over and said hi, and sat down next to him to have a chat.

I rested my hands on the chair, and he rested his left little finger on my right hand. I did not reciprocate nor did I pull away. After about 5 mins when we ran out of topic and have did the whole catch up conversation, I left and went to join my other friends.

After a few drinks and feeling the buzz, I walked into the bathroom to pee and as if there was a God, he was in the bathroom. Hundreds of people at the party, but the bathroom was empty except him! So I said hi and did some small talk as I walked over to the urinal.

Then he walked over to me and I laughed and asked him what he was doing. He just smiled and next thing I know, he wrapped his hands around me from behind and gently kissed my neck. I froze and just enjoyed the moment.

After a few minutes, I zipped up and walked over to the sink to wash my hands. He walked over, put his hands around me and rested his forehead on mine. I closed my eyes and we kissed. And then we hugged.

The only thing I can think of at that very moment is, "Am I doing the right thing?" and "What message am I sending?".

We hugged for a really long time (at least it seemed like it) without saying any words. Then we heard footsteps and he dragged me into a toilet cubicle where we silently giggled and kissed some more.

At that very moment, everything felt right. We kissed slowly but passionately.

But as quick as the positive thought came, my rational mind kicked in when his hands started to wander. I held his head with both my hands gently and very slowly pushed it away. I opened my eyes and looked into his. He stopped what he was doing and I said, "Thanks." Smiled. "Have fun tonight and I really hope you can find someone you're happy with".

With that, I left the bathroom and back into the party where I was thrown into the pool. Luckily my wallet and mobile was in my date's handbag.

He did come back to the party and gave me a smile as I left. I don't know what went through my mind, but I quite trust my instinct most of the time. If I think its wrong, and the instinct is strong, my rationale kicks in pretty quickly. And in this situation, it did.

Lesson 2: When your ex contacts you, don't be a bitch. Held your head high and be the person you know you are. Trust your instinct and live the moment.


JUSTIN said...

I agree it's a good thing to be on good terms with your ex, although NOT too good of "terms".

Aek said...

I think you handled that with a lot of grace and tact. :-) Perhaps in another world and time, you might've still been with him. One can only wonder at "What might've been."

MartininBroda said...

Wow Aaron I still have nothing worthy to comment (I know you don’t need them) & I don’t know if I have to envy you for your exciting life, it sounds all pretty strange to me, I hope you can safe your good mood & I hope my caring thoughts don’t bother you.

bK said...

What?! That's all?! I don't think I'm getting the whole picture here. He clearly seems to like you; you just sort of decide to leave him. I'm a bit bewildered right now. I'm sure you know more about your relationships more than I do.

But if you were someone in a TV series, I would be like, whoa! don't leave him yet! you still like him! What about all that kissing and not to mention the wealth and popularity!

I'm done getting worked up now...

Dean Grey said...

I agree with Aek!

You handled the situation gracefully, Aaron! I lot of restraint and maturity on your part.

Methinks, he's kicking himself for letting you go the first time around!


Ron said...

i don't really know how to comment on this but i suppose you handled it and moved on.. best of luck


bold said...

man, i was sure i commented on this. wtf? haha
well all i can say is that you have more self control than i do! but good on ya..sounds like u did the right thing.

oi i know i keep saying it but we'll have to chat soon! it's been a while...



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