Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Of Openness and Vulnerability

The first entry in the poll asked me to talk about how it feels like to be so open and vulnerable.

The answer is, I feel alive.

The end.

Would you let me be myself
Cos I'll never find my heart
Behind someone else
I'll never see the light of day
Living in this cell
It's time to make my way
Into the world i knew
And take back all of these times
That I gave in to you

OK, its not really the end. Seriously, it does make me feel alive. It feels like I am living my own life - that's how it feels like.

Reading back at my personal blog from when I first left my hometown to move interstate still in Asia, it's filled with darkness and I was at a place where I wasn't really feeling like I was letting myself be the best that I can be. From then until now, things got gradually better and since moving to Australia, being far away not knowing anyone, it has allowed me to 'reset' my life - choosing my circle of friends, my daily life choices, and every small decisions that ultimately determine my destiny, I guess. It's like given a blank piece of canvas to be worked on again.

My best friend died, and I never got the chance to say good-bye. I wasn't even spared 5 seconds to say what I want to tell him and give him one last hug. He left faster than a blink of an eye, forever. And that could be me, and anyone in my life. Being that close to a death bed is the most horrible feeling you will come across. However, being that close to losing everything really makes you appreciate anything.

Every night, as I go to bed, I want to know that I have been the best I can be and that I have no regrets over things I could have done, words I could have said, hugs I could have given and love I could have embraced.

Living an open life means that I get to appreciate every single thing in my life because nothing in life ever last including the sadness and misery, amongst those other beautiful events.

With that, comes vulnerability - the single event that can either make or break a person, quite horribly sometimes. Vulnerability is a huge risk, but no extraordinary person sits in comfort. I know I can achieve big things and I am more than the things I own and the resources around me. I can be better than who I was and who I am, and if I don't put myself in vulnerable situations, I wouldn't be where I am at right now - and I sure wouldn't be in Australia. Comfort is just not me.

In terms of my sexuality, it has never been a huge issue in my life. I've got girlfriends and I took a long break after breaking up with my last girlfriend. Love for men has always been in me and I just never really acknowledged it. When I started this blog, I knew the time was right and its about time I acknowledge that part of my life - one that, luckily, hasn't caused me much misery or suffering.

But it comes back down to vulnerability and happiness. Coming out to my close friends was incredibly difficult and a huge emotional and physical risk. I could potentially lose my family and a lot of friends - but sometimes, without it, you get nowhere. I am glad so far it has worked out to my favour.

It is also my understanding that at the end of the day, being 'someone else' is not who I want to be. I have always wanted to be happy, now and when I grow 'up'. With this in mind, whoever I love, whatever I do and the decisions that I make, ultimately, my happiness comes first.

It's tiring living in someone else's shoes - someone you're expected to be, and becoming someone you are not meant to be. It's liberating to be alive, not existing.


Tell me what you want me to blog about - I'll answer your burning questions.


MartininBroda said...

Thank you for answering my question in such detail :-)
and honesty of course.

Aek said...

I'm still learning to be vulnerable, to not hold a part of me back, but it's difficult and slow. Thanks for sharing your inner world.

Nathan said...

"Tell me what you want me to blog about"? Nathan, Nathan, Nathan!! ;]

Gabey said...

Living an open life means that I get to appreciate every single thing in my life because nothing in life ever last including the sadness and misery, amongst those other beautiful events.

Wow, i wish i could think like that, but ireckon i am scared of the vulnerable side.

JUSTIN said...

Fuck YEAH man, awesome post. It took me a long time to get to a similar place, and I must say it feels great. Keep rockin' out yo'! Also...Chicago misses you!

Biki said...

Thoughtful and wonderful post. We all need to grab hold of each day and enjoy it to the fullest. It's so much easier to say than to do. However you sound like you are living it. Congrats!

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