Saturday, June 29, 2013

The Hardest Part

This is the part I hate most, saying goodbye.

It's something that I never got used to, and probably never will. It's painful, sickening and always very depressing.

But life moves on.

Today, I say goodbye to two people I have grown to love very much and have grown to become very significant in my life. Two people who loved me unconditionally. One a mentor, a teacher and someone who puts a tremendous about of belief and conviction in me, but is moving to the US indefinitely. And another, a best friend, a teacher, a partner-in-crime and a brother who is moving back home to Germany.

But Ben made a really good point. As we sit across from each other at my favourite coffee shop reflecting on the past 3 years we've known each other, either in the capacity of a mentor/mentee or a friend, we've been through some significant life events together. He stated, "but isn't this partly a lifestyle you've chosen for yourself - living as a nomad?"

The truth is, I never really chose this lifestyle, I merely entered it almost blindly to explore and try it out.

I've been thinking and reflecting a lot lately. Over the past many years, I've put my compulsive overachiever on overdrive and I've done really well but what for? And who for? It's still hard trying to take time out for myself, and embrace this nomadic and a more relaxed lifestyle I've just recently chosen for myself. Although things have worked out extremely well so far - 4 different countries, a relatively consistent, although few, jobs coming through, cut down my cost of living, caught up with long-lost friends and met Oliver who I spent a beautiful week with - I cannot help but fidget at the thought of a relaxing sabbatical.

"So, what's your plan? Are you planning to do this forever? We need to get you a proper, long-term boyfriend. You're way too sexy to be single" says Ben. I laughed it off.

"Don't tell me you're planning to just have flings for the rest of your life?"

I shrugged.

I've been fortunate to meet so many *amazing* people, but on the flip side, I've been terrible at keeping in contact. It's something I've always regretted. This is more significant this week because I am worried I may lose the intimacy and unique bond with Ben and Mick as they move across the other side of the globe. And this special relationship I've built with Oliver, something I've usually taken for granted and not care at all once we've parted ways, often time ending in bridges burnt. Should I change? Will I regret this? But what should I and should I not be doing?

As Mick and I hugged goodbye outside Mr Crush's house where I'm staying, we both tear up a little and tried to recall funny memories we've shared to lighten up the mood. His girlfriend staring at her phone in the car, giving us space. We hugged some more and with one hand resting on the other's shoulder, almost worried that this may be last time we embrace one another, we thanked each other for the love and great memories, and we hugged tightly one final time, this time for almost a minute for good measure.

That was painful. We parted ways, both hoping that we'll see each other again sooner and at some point in our lives, our paths may cross again. The significance we've played in each other's life shall not be lost, but merely stopped for a brief period as we build our own new paths, hoping at some point, we can share the paths again.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Back to Square One


The last 4 years have definitely been anything but boring. Sitting here on the dining table of Mr Crush, reading through all the posts from the last few years brings back memories and make me reflect on the ones never documented, almost forgotten.

4 years, 3 or so interesting "relationships", 1 relatively stable, 2-3 jobs, 4 different cities, at least 6 countries, a number of flings, boys, flirts and lusts, and an infinite amount of memorable moments later, I am back to square one. I am at the house of the best friend, and I just spoke to Troy an hour ago - after losing touch for various reasons due to life circumstance - reflecting on our lives and everything that was.

Being in and out of love was foreign until the last few years. It's been painful, inspiring, warm, challenging, hurtful, exciting and life-changing to quite an extent. To love and be loved is human and I've been incredibly fortunate to have shared it with many friends, family members and love ones.

And the past week has been one of those experience. What started as an innocent flirt over the phone quickly became a week of love and lust. He's just left for China for a month, and I am leaving for South East Asia in less than a week - making this trip to Brisbane a quick stopover.

As we bid goodbye, a familiar feeling of sadness and loss floods my exhausted mind and between those strong emotions I am reminded of all the love I have been fortunate to have received, which doesn't make it any easier.

Lying in the bed that we both have shared for the past week doesn't make it any easier either. From our instinctive actions of affection in bed to an evening with my friends, great memories were shared.

How will things progress from here, who knows.

Story of my life.
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