Saturday, June 29, 2013

The Hardest Part

This is the part I hate most, saying goodbye.

It's something that I never got used to, and probably never will. It's painful, sickening and always very depressing.

But life moves on.

Today, I say goodbye to two people I have grown to love very much and have grown to become very significant in my life. Two people who loved me unconditionally. One a mentor, a teacher and someone who puts a tremendous about of belief and conviction in me, but is moving to the US indefinitely. And another, a best friend, a teacher, a partner-in-crime and a brother who is moving back home to Germany.

But Ben made a really good point. As we sit across from each other at my favourite coffee shop reflecting on the past 3 years we've known each other, either in the capacity of a mentor/mentee or a friend, we've been through some significant life events together. He stated, "but isn't this partly a lifestyle you've chosen for yourself - living as a nomad?"

The truth is, I never really chose this lifestyle, I merely entered it almost blindly to explore and try it out.

I've been thinking and reflecting a lot lately. Over the past many years, I've put my compulsive overachiever on overdrive and I've done really well but what for? And who for? It's still hard trying to take time out for myself, and embrace this nomadic and a more relaxed lifestyle I've just recently chosen for myself. Although things have worked out extremely well so far - 4 different countries, a relatively consistent, although few, jobs coming through, cut down my cost of living, caught up with long-lost friends and met Oliver who I spent a beautiful week with - I cannot help but fidget at the thought of a relaxing sabbatical.

"So, what's your plan? Are you planning to do this forever? We need to get you a proper, long-term boyfriend. You're way too sexy to be single" says Ben. I laughed it off.

"Don't tell me you're planning to just have flings for the rest of your life?"

I shrugged.

I've been fortunate to meet so many *amazing* people, but on the flip side, I've been terrible at keeping in contact. It's something I've always regretted. This is more significant this week because I am worried I may lose the intimacy and unique bond with Ben and Mick as they move across the other side of the globe. And this special relationship I've built with Oliver, something I've usually taken for granted and not care at all once we've parted ways, often time ending in bridges burnt. Should I change? Will I regret this? But what should I and should I not be doing?

As Mick and I hugged goodbye outside Mr Crush's house where I'm staying, we both tear up a little and tried to recall funny memories we've shared to lighten up the mood. His girlfriend staring at her phone in the car, giving us space. We hugged some more and with one hand resting on the other's shoulder, almost worried that this may be last time we embrace one another, we thanked each other for the love and great memories, and we hugged tightly one final time, this time for almost a minute for good measure.

That was painful. We parted ways, both hoping that we'll see each other again sooner and at some point in our lives, our paths may cross again. The significance we've played in each other's life shall not be lost, but merely stopped for a brief period as we build our own new paths, hoping at some point, we can share the paths again.

1 comment:

Aek said...

An interesting thought - the overachieving nomad. While I haven't wandered nearly as far and wide as you, I feel like I've been waiting/working towards something forever. Is it finally here? Am I at the end where I can pause and look around? I don't know. Maybe. I keep having this itch to move forward rather than stay put, when staying put might produce some good things.

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